I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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