I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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