So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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