Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
