Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
