Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
