I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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