The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
