and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
