just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
