Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
