my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
