I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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