Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize