Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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