Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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