No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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