Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Enjoy the penises
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
