God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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