Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
