My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
