We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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