If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
