My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
