how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
