it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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