my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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