she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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