Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
