drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
