Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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