Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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