I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My feet surprised me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
