I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
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after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
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If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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