there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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