I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
