when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
