is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
