i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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