Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
