Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.