i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up