Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......