cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
