i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
