I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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