elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
why is half of my head shaved?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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