are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
