Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
