Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
