I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
