I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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