Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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