mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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