I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
