I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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