My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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