he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
