I just threw up on my dentist
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
