my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
